Pieces"
I'm here again
A thousand miles away from you
A broken mess, just scattered pieces of who I am
I tried so hard
Thought I could do this on my own
I've lost so much along the way
Then I see your face
I know I'm finally yours
I find everything I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole
I've come undone
But you make sense of who I am
Like puzzle pieces in your hand,
Then I see your face
I know I'm finally yours
I find everything I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole!
I tried so hard! So hard!
I tried so hard!
Then I see your face
I know I'm finally yours
I find everything I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole
So you can make me whole
I have listened to this song many times in my life and every time I do I am moved. I decided to listen to it on the way to work this morning. My mind was flooded by memories. I remember being a shattered, broken person and trying so hard on my own to make myself whole again but only to be broken and shattered time and time again. Right before I was at my lowest (I guess almost a year prior) I started praying to God to destroy me. At the time I didn't quite know why I was praying that but I just kept begging him to shatter me and I think I was finally aware but not aware that I needed to be so helpless, so hopeless, so broken that I knew I couldn't do it on my own and that God would have to save me. I still can feel the desperation so fresh as if it happened yesterday. I seriously had lost hope and almost gave up on life itself..that I was so unaware that God was simply answering my cries, answering my prayers. Days, weeks and months I started contemplating killing myself just to rid myself of all the pain, the shame, the guilt, the depression, the anxiety and fear, but God was allowing me to feel everything I had previously begged for him to give me.
I feel sometimes that people who have not walked in the darkness can't fully understand how amazing it feels, how freeing it feels, how blessed it feels to walk in the light. The desperation for answers and for healing, the desperation to feel something other than brokenness and destruction. My GOD is so amazing, so loving so much more than I deserve but He is the only answer...He may have used other outlets to get to me other than church but one thing I know and one thing I overwhelmingly feel when I hear this song is...WE CAN NOT FIX THIS ON OUR OWN>>>WHEN YOU ARE DESPERATE AND DESTROYED THAT IS THE PERFECT TIME FOR GOD TO USE YOU AND HEAL YOU AND CREATE IN YOU A NEW LIFE. HE RESTORES LIFE, HE IS THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN PICK UP THOSE PIECES AND MAKE YOU WHOLE. I am no longer lost, I no longer am meaningless, I am the daughter of a King, the daughter of the most high and the most righteous and I have been given another shot at life because my Heavenly Father saves!!!!
Let your soul lead you in the right direction then all of your life will follow you happily. Let your soul walk you down the path of love, joy, and oneness with God and your journey home will always be a delightful one even if you do get tangled in the leash from time to time
September 24, 2010
September 2, 2010
One of my favorite poems--from Love Jones
It is the color of light
the shape of sound high in the evergreens
It lies suspended in hills,
A blue linei n a red sky
I am looking at sound
I am hearing the brightness of high bluffs and almond tress
I am tasting the wilderness of lakes, rivers and streams
Caught in an angle of song
I am remembering water
that glows in the dawn
The motion tumbled in earth
Life hidden in mounds
I am dancing a bright beam of light
I am remembering love
the shape of sound high in the evergreens
It lies suspended in hills,
A blue linei n a red sky
I am looking at sound
I am hearing the brightness of high bluffs and almond tress
I am tasting the wilderness of lakes, rivers and streams
Caught in an angle of song
I am remembering water
that glows in the dawn
The motion tumbled in earth
Life hidden in mounds
I am dancing a bright beam of light
I am remembering love
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