Alex

I am so grateful for Alex and the man he has become. When we were little he was my little baby. I loved him so much. As he grew up we grew apart but my love for him always remained. I knew that we had something special, but through both of our struggles we drifted. As many of my friends know, we have come close to losing Alex many times. We have watched him struggle since a young age. I was so proud of him the day that he went to rehab. I am so proud of him for at least being willing to change. I saw him transform and to see him year after year sober gave me even more pride in him. When he went out this last time, I had to make a tough decision and that was tough love. I encouraged our family to do the same. I felt he had been given enough chances and if the family went to rescue him, he would fail. He was in a terrible place and death was an option. It was a hard decision but ultimately it was the best decision. Alex checked himself in to detox and decided to leave his life and move to Texas to live with us. Every day is a blessing. I am so proud that of who he is and who he will continue to become. God did some amazing things in his life. He sent angels to Alex at the right times, and one of those angels is Matt. I am grateful for his influence on Alex, I am grateful that he continually guides Alex in the right path. Alex changed his life and got baptized. That was God day for sure. I am so grateful that God found Alex when he needed to be found. I am so thankful for the work he has done in Alex’s heart. He has always been an amazing guy but he stumbled just like we all do. I am grateful that I have my cousin back, I am grateful that I get to spend time with him. I am so thankful that he thought enough of me to confide in me and talk to me. I have always loved him and always will. I can’t say enough how much I admire him and his strength. God has big plans for him and I know there is nothing that he can’t do. God is still in the miracle business and Alex is a walking and breathing example of our God’s love, perseverance, mercy, grace, forgiveness, and awestruck wonder.

Katie

Sometimes blessing come in amazing packages. Before I was even born Katie and I had a connection. We are four months apart and we swear that when she was on the outside and I was on the inside we talked. We have had an instant connection. I have such a unique bond with my cousin. I feel special that I had a sister in my cousin. I am so thankful for all the memories we have had growing up. We spent every second we could with one another. From our mud pies, to Care Bears, Rainbow Brite, and Strawberry Shortcake. We got to vacation as a family to the beach every year growing up and she started coming with my mom and dad to Florida after we moved to Texas. We now vacation together with our families every year. She is the other part of my soul, and her presence in my life is so rewarding. I am thankful that we are close enough to share our cares and concerns, to go to one another when our worlds are falling apart. I am thankful that we love each other with acceptance. I am so thankful for all the times we have just cracked up with one another. “It’s called a blanket’ lmao!!! This inside thing gets us every time. I love her beyond measure She is my constant friend, my constant sister, and comforter. I am so grateful for her and for our relationship.

Grandma's Hands

Grandma, some ninety plus years, sat feebly on the patio bench. She
didn't move, just sat with her head down staring at her hands. When I sat down
beside her she didn't acknowledge my presence and the longer I sat I wondered
if she was OK. Finally, not really wanting to disturb her but wanting to check on
her at the same time, I asked her if she was OK.

She raised her head and looked at me and smiled. "Yes, I'm fine, thank you for asking," she said in a clear strong voice. "I didn't mean to disturb you, Grandma, but you were just sitting here staring at your hands and I wanted to make sure you were OK," I explained to her.

"Have you ever looked at your hands?" she asked. "I mean really looked at
your hands?" I slowly opened my hands and stared down at them. I turned them
over, palms up and then palms down. No, I guess I had never really looked at
my hands as I tried to figure out the point she was making.

Grandma smiled and related the following story:
"Stop and think for a moment about the hands you have, how they have served
you well throughout your years.
"These hands, though wrinkled, shriveled and weak have been the tools I have
used all my life to reach out and grab and embrace life. They braced and
caught my fall when as a toddler I crashed upon the floor. They put food in my
mouth and clothes on my back. As a child my mother taught me to fold them in
prayer. They tied my shoes and pulled on my boots.

"They held my husband and wiped my tears when he went off to war. They have
been dirty, scraped and raw, swollen and bent.!
"They were uneasy and clumsy when I tried to hold my newborn son.
Decorated with my wedding band they showed the world that I was married and loved
someone special.

"They wrote my letters to him and trembled and shook when I buried my parents and spouse. They have held my children and grandchildren, consoled neighbors, and shook in fists of anger when I didn't understand. They have covered my face, combed my hair, and washed and cleansed the rest of my body.

"They have been sticky and wet, bent and broken, dried and raw. And to this
day when not much of anything else of me works real well these hands hold me
up, lay me down, and again continue to fold in prayer.

"These hands are the mark of where I've been and the ruggedness of life. But
more importantly it will be these hands that God will reach out and take
when he leads me home. And with my hands He will lift me to His side and there I
will use these hands to touch the face of Christ."

I will never look at my hands the same again. God reached out and took my
grandma's hands and led her home. When my hands are hurt or sore or when I
stroke the face of my children and husband I think of Grandma. I know she has
been held by the hands of God. And I, too, want to touch the face of God and
feel His hands upon my face.



This was sent to me and my cousin in 2007, close to the anniversary of our Grandmother's death. I cried for what seemed like hours. Though someone else wrote this story, it tells a story of my Grandma. I can't wait to meet Jesus what a wonderful day, but I am happy to know that my Grandma and Grandpa are both in the presence of the Lord.

July 13, 2006 THE ME THAT USED TO BE

It wasn't long ago that I was broken, beaten down, and dead. I was just merely existing but portraying to the world to have it all together. I was considered to be a strong woman, a survivor, a fixer. People, friends, family saw a courageous woman- one who would not let anything or anyone hold her down. Damn, I guess I was so good at fooling the world to hide the me that was falling apart, the woman who had lost hope. Not all my wounds were fresh, but the scars hurt deep inside and I thought they would never heal.



Ive been through trauma too personal to be discussed but before I knew it the trauma became to evident to be hidden. I had a breakdown. I was bowed down under the weight and pressure, the guilt and the shame that comes from dark secrets, traumas, and pain. I was left twisted, dismantled, confused and numb. Issues, incidents, relationships all leapt from my past and held me hostage, forever chained to my pain, to my shame and to my brokenness.



I was filled with regrets, haunted with my secrets, alienated by those ghosts, and quarantined in my misery and pain. Images and flashbacks constantly entered my mind. I was involved with these ghosts on a daily basis- they were with me every where I went, they were introduced into every relationship I entered.



After awhile I began numbing myself out, trying anything and everything to make the pain go away and the guilt disappear. But I numbed myself to the point that I no longer felt any true emotions, good or bad. My body was still there, living day after day, but my insides had been ripped out. A fatality that happened from abuse, empty promises, self- inflicted pain, men, betrayal, drugs, alcohol and suicidal tendencies. I numbed through sin but never found peace. When you have been hurt so much its just easier to shut down and to put up protective walls. I felt I couldnt suffer; my heart couldnt ache, if I built walls around myself. But I was left empty- left with nothing.



I used to run from man to man to save me from the last one or at least prove to me that he wasnt like the last one who had done me wrong. I ran only to find myself dealing with new shit, new pain. Then I found someone who loved me with every ounce of him but I was so hardened, untouchable and unlovable. I couldnt feel the love he was trying to give me. There were too many layers for him to have to fight through. He was only reaching my outer layers that covered the years and years of contamination. My protection- became my prison and no one could give me enough to feel anything from them. Keevin tried and tried but I was too far gone, too stuck in my own misery to truly accept him, but I still couldnt let him go. I thought I would hurt him more by leaving even though I was constantly letting him know how truly empty I was with him- because of him. I tried so hard to make us work and to be happy but I had lost my ability to feel anything.



Troy changed that. He came into my life and my heartfelt something when I was around him. I no longer wanted to live this horrible existence but was too stubborn at first to want to change. I pulled out my mask and pretended to be happy. But he saw through it all and saw the pain that I tried to hide. I soon woke up one day and realized that I was in a relationship with Keevin who loved me with all he had and I couldnt feel loved, I was seeking something from Troy who had jumped started my heart again. I wanted to be with Troy but didnt care enough about myself to think that I deserved more than my miserable existence. I had become comfortable with this life, and continued to hurt all three of us, Keevin, Troy and myself.



So I decided to go to Pathways. It was my last chance- my choice between life and death. I had lost track of who I was and needed to find myself again. No matter how much I had been through in my life, Pathways was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life. I fought to find me, I fought to forgive myself, to forgive others, to accept Gods forgiveness. I fought to rid myself of shame and guilt, pain and numbness. I faced my ultimate rock betrayal and trust. I regained my strength, I found hope, I found self love, I found self worth- I regained my will to live, to feel. The pain diminished and the fear subsided. Life became something to live for, not just merely exist through. Love became something I deserved, something I wanted, not needed. I found God, I found the woman God wanted me to be. I am a worthy woman who deserves to live, to love, who loves herself, who loves God, who forgives herself. I am valuable and unique, I am a star. I now place my life, my future in Gods hands and seek his guidance in all that I do. I am a God fearing Woman, I wear that in my heart. I found the Meghan I had lost over 11 years ago, a happy, free spirited, loving little girl who is full of life and laughter.



I am now in a relationship with Troy , who is a wonderful man, who is my best friend. He is my stronghold, my encourager, my supporter. I can finally give my heart to a man and feel something in return. He is the star in my sky that shines endlessly and helps me see that I have a direction. He keeps me close to God, and striving to be a Godly woman. He is my hero, my inspiration, my muse, my heart. He is my everything and I have been blessed by God. No he is not perfect, but he is mine and I am his and we glide through life together.



(if you read this and something touches you r relates to you and you know that you deserve more, please look into pathways at gopathways.org. It saved my life and can give you all that is missing, all that is hidden by the years of damage. I am no longer damaged goods but Gods child. You can also send me an email if you want more information.. I love you all and wish everyone all life has to offer)


"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!"
Isaiah 43:18,19a

I am

I Am a strong, confident, loving, forgiven, God fearing, honest, passionate, creative, WOMAN!!
I Want to grow in my relationship with Jesus, seek his will, love my man each day of my life, start a family, and love myself more daily.
I Have been blessed and forgiven. God has given me another chance at life and has blessed me with an amazing husband and family who loves me and supports me.
I Wish i would have left my previous relationship so that I would have never hurt Troy and would have been happy instead of right.
I Hate that I try to forgive her and not have hatred in my heart but I still carry that anger, I hate that people can not let go and move on, I hate that no matter how much he loves me I still have a hard time accepting his love.
I Fear the Lord.
I Hear God calling for me to be obedient and seek his wisdom, accept his forgiveness and never forget his grace.
I Search for his wisdom, his knowledge and for the answers to make me a better person. I also search for a humble spirit and peace with my past.
I Wonder what Heaven will be like
I Regret nothing!!! Life is what it is, live it and regret nothing. Mistakes make me who I am and confessing my sins keeps me closer to my Lord.
I Love Jesus, Myself, Troy and my family and friends. I love the life I have been given.
I Ache for peace. To be able to truly accept the Lord..'s forgiveness and my forgiveness
I Always do nothing the same. I am a beautiful disaster that keeps you on your toes.
I Usually think and reflect on life and contemplate all the ways that I can better myself.
I Am Not prefect, but I am created in the image of God and loved by him and my sins are washed in the blood of the lamb so that I may live.
I Dance to the song in my heart.
I Sing praises to Lord and the freedom in my soul.
I Never doubt that God is Lord and Jesus is my saviour.
I Rarely turn away from others.
I used to Cry often. I was in touch with my heart and it's true feelings for the first time in years a couple of years ago.
I have been through hell and back but by the grace of God I may live.
I cry over many things but I am no longer afraid to cry and release what is at the core of me.
I Am Not Always quick to forget but I can forgive.
I Lose my way and God's way when I am stuck in self-hatred, I refuse forgiveness, and I run my numbers that keep me stuck in the past
I'm Confused about what my purpose in life is and what direction I should take.
I Need salvation because without mine I am as good as dead.
I Should always turn to God for the answers to life, the direction I need and the love I deserve because of Him.

Forgiveness and soul surgery

Are there things you feel in your heart you cannot forgive yourself for doing? Things you believe or have been led to believe are so horrible that you can never or should never be forgiven for them. It's the major things we consider unforgivable. Things we do when we are at a loss about what to do but are afraid to admit it. There are things that we do without thinking that have a dangerous impact. There are things we do for revenge. These things we consider unforgivable, are the things taht we need to forgive ourselves for doing. the things we hold against ourselves rest heavy on our hearts and eat away at our sense of worth. With an open and willing heart, you can be freed from the prison of self-damnation. Open your heart to yourself, for yourself. If you are a human being, there is something that you need to forgive yourself for.

The way to correction is through the acknowledgment of the truth. The way the Spirit of love and life corrects if through forgiveness.

Many of us have a black hole in our hearts that sucks the fight, the life and the goodness from our lives. Sure there are days when we can laugh and smile and almost convince ourselves and others that life is good. Then, without warning, we are sucked into the black hole of guilt. There may be a black hole in your heart that is full of fear, pain, grief, anger or shame. This is a deep hole! There is only one way to get out and stay out of that black hole. FORGIVENESS!!! Forgive yourself for all the unkind, unloving, unsupportive things that you have thought and done to yourself and others.

Prayer of Forgiveness:

Blessed and Divine Holy Spirit,

Today I forgive myself. I forgive myself for judging my true Self less than a perfect creation of God. I forgive myself for judging myself not good enough. I forgive myself for not sking what I want and what I need. I forgive myself for not asking for your love, your guidance, your grace, your mercy. I forgive myself for believing that I do not deserve to be happy. I forgive myself for judging myself unworthy. I forgive myself for not letting my God-given abilities to shine through. I forgive myself for my desires of the flesh, for living my life in Satan's realm and not in accordance to your divine and Holy Word. I forgive myself for being angry with myself and being angry with others. I forgive myself for the sins that I have professed before you Lord and the sins I accepted your forgiveness for but continually didnt forgive myself for. I ask for and forgive myself for all I have don in violation of your laws. I forgive myself for chosing to live in fear instead of love. I forgive myself for holding on to all the thoughts and feelings that have blinded me, hindered me, kept me trapted in misery and pain. I forgive myself for denying myself the joy of a healthy, safe and loving relationship. I forgive myself unconditionally for anything I have done, in any way I have done it, to deny the prosperous and abundant presence of God's love in my life. I am forgiven and saved by the blood of the lamb, and shown mercy and grace from the Lord my God whom I fear and loves me with all of him.

In your most holy and precious name

Grandparents

I am thankful for all the years & memories with my two grandma's and my grandpa. i am so thankful that I get to continue to make memories with Gma Morris. I love her so much. She has been a tremendous blessing to my life. I just wish she was up the street so I could see her as often as I would like to.

I have been thinking of my Grandma Edwards a lot lately and I miss her so much, her laughter & presence in my life.I know she is reunited with Grandaddy and Jesus and I am thankful that one day I will see them both again. i just wish I had more time but am thankful she is just a memory away.

I found this that I wrote about missing Grandma in Jan of 2008
Today the memory of your presence left my heart broken. You were my happy place. You made every moment with you special. I still laugh at the things you said, the things you did. You always made me smile, you always made me feel loved. We still cry because you aren't here. Mom can't let go, she can't always remember that you are no longer a phone call away. She cries for you often, because without you her soul is broken. You were our hero, you were my perfection of grace and love. I didn't know life without you would be so hard. I keep my memories of you strong, I always keep you in my heart. I still hear you laugh sometimes, I hear it in myself at times. Some say I look like you and I refuse to believe because I can't bear to look at me and see the you that is no longer here. Life with you was such a blessing. God took you away to a better place, he took you in his arms and welcomed you home, but we still miss you. Now you join him and together you two are in eternity, free of pain and in the presence of amazing grace. When I think of me leaving this world, when I think of death, one of my comforts is seeing my grandma and grandpa again.

My New Family

As stated before, I am one lucky girl. Not only did God bless me with a wonderful family, amazing friends, an unbelievable great husband, but my new family puts the icing on the cake. I am so thankful to have Gene and Jill as my parents in love. They have welcomed me into their family and have been such a joy. I love that they teach me about their family and introduce me to new things. Their acceptance really means more to me than I can begin to express. They have loved me and made me feel like their family is where I always belonged. I get teary eyed thinking about it. I am so thankful for all that they have done for me and for Troy. They have taught me a whole other world up in Minnesota from Christmas dinner, to snow mobiling, ice fishing and eating bear. I am grateful for the laughter. I am also grateful for the man they helped Troy become. He never stops amazing me and I know Jill and Gene have a lot to do with who he is. They gave me one of my greatest gifts of all.

I have gained two amazing brothers and sister in loves. Misti and I feel that we were destined to be together being that we both share the name Morris. I am so thankful that when our families all met there was laughter and friendships being formed. I feel like not only was I welcomed in Troy’s family but Misti’s as well. I am so thankful for Steve and Brian’s humor, and making me feel right at home with them. These men have such great character, such loving hearts, and the laughing never ends around the Tarno boys. What a blessing I have with the Tarnowski’s. I am thankful for what our future holds as a family. I can’t wait to grow closer to each of them.

I am so thankful for my nieces and nephew. I love those kids so much. I can say that their parents have done amazing jobs. I am thankful for the time I have had with them. I am also thankful that God has blessed Kati and Brian with a little one on the way. I can’t wait to meet my new niece or nephew and become a big part of their life.

My Big Brother

I am so thankful for my brother. When I was little I wanted to be just like him and that hasn’t changed much now that I have grown up. I am thankful for the great memories we shared together when we were kids. He was my hero. I loved dressing up like super heroes and jumping from couch to couch. I love that he always taught me new things. I am so thankful that he took the time to be a great big brother. I loved how we had clubs for everything, baseball card club, reading club, drawing club, sticker club. I think he used the word club so he didn’t have to admit he wanted to hang out with his baby sister. (Just kidding) He always made things exciting and adventurous. I am thankful that he taught me how to skateboard and built a half pike in our back yard to skate on. I am thankful that when I wanted a pool when I was little he made me one so I could swim and play in it.

Now that I am older I am thankful that he got mad at me when I was a punk teenager. I am thankful that he wanted what was best for me and got angry when I settled. I am thankful that He decided to answer God’s call and become a minister. I know we don’t see eye to eye on everything, but I am grateful that he leads by example and teaches me new things still. I am grateful that he is a wonderful dad and husband; it is awesome to see him in those roles. I am thankful that he is just as powerful now as when we were little and he can still be my hero. I am thankful that He ministers to the world. I am thankful that he is a pistol packing preacher; he is quite fitting of him. I am thankful that through our differences and through our struggles we found forgiveness. I am thankful that he loves me, and is a great support in my life. I am even thankful that he has the need to talk on the phone when he drives and I am one of the people he chooses to call. He makes my day better by calling just to say hi, chit chat, gives me updates with the boys and Torie and tells me he loves me. Big brothers are amazing things, and I have one of the best. Wow am I lucky!! God has been good to me. Jonathan, thank you for everything I don’t tell you enough what an impact you have made in my life. I am so grateful that we have worked on our relationship and grow closer as the years pass. You have been the best big brother and I love you and can’t thank you enough.

My Parents

To the ones who brought me into this world and can bring me out, lol. First and foremost thank you for being Godly parents. I am truly blessed. Thank you for your unconditional love. I have grown up seeing many friends not have parents that will love them no matter what. I am so grateful that even when I seemed to be unlovable you never failed me. I am so grateful that you loved me enough to pray for me. I am thankful for all that you have provided me with, a stable home, a loving home, a warm home, an education, values, morals, support, and wisdom. I hope that one day when I become a parent I can be just like you. I know that I have a great thing when I see some of my friends receiving love from you as if they were your children. You have welcomed many into your lives and shown them a real parent, shown them support and love that they don’t get when they walk into their own home. The two of you are so giving and so generous. I am thankful that we have an open relationship that we can talk about anything. I am thankful that you helped me go to Pathways even when you weren’t sure of what I was doing. I am thankful that you have allowed me time to come to you and open up to you. I grateful for all the family time you provided us with growing up. I am so grateful for the smiles and the laughter. Mom I love all our late night chats and the wisdom you share with me. I am thankful that I saw my parents loving one another, encouraging and supporting one another. I am grateful that I saw you love God, then each other and then your kids. I am thankful for the consistency found in you. Dad, there couldn’t be a better provider, a better leader. You are royalty in my eyes. You give beyond limits, you bless your children. You and mom have always loved us more than we deserved and provided for us more than was needed. I am so thankful to have such amazing and supportive parents who have been such great examples in my life.