A year later

In two days it will be a year since she left us here on earth. It seems like a short period but longer at the same time. I still try to wrap my head around it, try to convince myself that her choice was the only choice she felt she had. The psychology behind it baffles me. How do we go through life and surround ourselves with amazing people but yet still go unnoticed. Why don’t we show people our pain, why don’t we let them in as a life line. I struggle with this myself. Sometimes I don’t want other’s opinions or thoughts. I don’t want to have them persistently check in on me. What if what I discuss with them, I find swift healing or find meaningful ways to deal with it, will they let it go. I have been through some things in life that people’s reaction to my situation is carried with them for years, it changes our relationships, judgment comes into play. You not only have to survive through the events, but have to now survive through other people’s feelings or reactions. My thoughts are hard enough, I don’t want to take on other’s. I have had those thoughts of leaving this earth by my own choice, but something always keeps me here. For the longest I didn’t know what it was, but it was the Holy Spirit instilling hope into my life. So many times I think, I wish she would have asked for help but what if she did and it wasn’t received well, or heard with honest ears. I still miss her, I miss seeing the life that seemed so full of joy and adventure. Until we meet again, RIP my sweet friend.