It wasn't long ago that I was broken, beaten down, and dead. I was just merely existing but portraying to the world to have it all together. I was considered to be a strong woman, a survivor, a fixer. People, friends, family saw a courageous woman- one who would not let anything or anyone hold her down. Damn, I guess I was so good at fooling the world to hide the me that was falling apart, the woman who had lost hope. Not all my wounds were fresh, but the scars hurt deep inside and I thought they would never heal.
Ive been through trauma too personal to be discussed but before I knew it the trauma became to evident to be hidden. I had a breakdown. I was bowed down under the weight and pressure, the guilt and the shame that comes from dark secrets, traumas, and pain. I was left twisted, dismantled, confused and numb. Issues, incidents, relationships all leapt from my past and held me hostage, forever chained to my pain, to my shame and to my brokenness.
I was filled with regrets, haunted with my secrets, alienated by those ghosts, and quarantined in my misery and pain. Images and flashbacks constantly entered my mind. I was involved with these ghosts on a daily basis- they were with me every where I went, they were introduced into every relationship I entered.
After awhile I began numbing myself out, trying anything and everything to make the pain go away and the guilt disappear. But I numbed myself to the point that I no longer felt any true emotions, good or bad. My body was still there, living day after day, but my insides had been ripped out. A fatality that happened from abuse, empty promises, self- inflicted pain, men, betrayal, drugs, alcohol and suicidal tendencies. I numbed through sin but never found peace. When you have been hurt so much its just easier to shut down and to put up protective walls. I felt I couldnt suffer; my heart couldnt ache, if I built walls around myself. But I was left empty- left with nothing.
I used to run from man to man to save me from the last one or at least prove to me that he wasnt like the last one who had done me wrong. I ran only to find myself dealing with new shit, new pain. Then I found someone who loved me with every ounce of him but I was so hardened, untouchable and unlovable. I couldnt feel the love he was trying to give me. There were too many layers for him to have to fight through. He was only reaching my outer layers that covered the years and years of contamination. My protection- became my prison and no one could give me enough to feel anything from them. Keevin tried and tried but I was too far gone, too stuck in my own misery to truly accept him, but I still couldnt let him go. I thought I would hurt him more by leaving even though I was constantly letting him know how truly empty I was with him- because of him. I tried so hard to make us work and to be happy but I had lost my ability to feel anything.
Troy changed that. He came into my life and my heartfelt something when I was around him. I no longer wanted to live this horrible existence but was too stubborn at first to want to change. I pulled out my mask and pretended to be happy. But he saw through it all and saw the pain that I tried to hide. I soon woke up one day and realized that I was in a relationship with Keevin who loved me with all he had and I couldnt feel loved, I was seeking something from Troy who had jumped started my heart again. I wanted to be with Troy but didnt care enough about myself to think that I deserved more than my miserable existence. I had become comfortable with this life, and continued to hurt all three of us, Keevin, Troy and myself.
So I decided to go to Pathways. It was my last chance- my choice between life and death. I had lost track of who I was and needed to find myself again. No matter how much I had been through in my life, Pathways was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life. I fought to find me, I fought to forgive myself, to forgive others, to accept Gods forgiveness. I fought to rid myself of shame and guilt, pain and numbness. I faced my ultimate rock betrayal and trust. I regained my strength, I found hope, I found self love, I found self worth- I regained my will to live, to feel. The pain diminished and the fear subsided. Life became something to live for, not just merely exist through. Love became something I deserved, something I wanted, not needed. I found God, I found the woman God wanted me to be. I am a worthy woman who deserves to live, to love, who loves herself, who loves God, who forgives herself. I am valuable and unique, I am a star. I now place my life, my future in Gods hands and seek his guidance in all that I do. I am a God fearing Woman, I wear that in my heart. I found the Meghan I had lost over 11 years ago, a happy, free spirited, loving little girl who is full of life and laughter.
I am now in a relationship with Troy , who is a wonderful man, who is my best friend. He is my stronghold, my encourager, my supporter. I can finally give my heart to a man and feel something in return. He is the star in my sky that shines endlessly and helps me see that I have a direction. He keeps me close to God, and striving to be a Godly woman. He is my hero, my inspiration, my muse, my heart. He is my everything and I have been blessed by God. No he is not perfect, but he is mine and I am his and we glide through life together.
(if you read this and something touches you r relates to you and you know that you deserve more, please look into pathways at gopathways.org. It saved my life and can give you all that is missing, all that is hidden by the years of damage. I am no longer damaged goods but Gods child. You can also send me an email if you want more information.. I love you all and wish everyone all life has to offer)
"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!"
Isaiah 43:18,19a
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